Don't go it alone
We're going to assume that you clicked on this page because fertility challenges and/or pregnancy loss are part of your story. If you are facing this heartbreaking reality, we want you to know that you aren't alone, this is HARD, and there will be a day when this moment in time is just a part of your story, but not your ENTIRE story.
When your family building journey is harder than you ever expected
1 in 6
(WHO data)
2.4M
(Institute of Reproductive Grief Care)
85%
(American Pregnancy Association)
21-52%
(Kiani, Simbar,Hajian, Zayeri)
First, let's set some new language. You may have noticed that we use the term "fertility challenges" in lieu of infertility. There are many people who have been labeled infertile who go on to get pregnant with assistance, or even naturally (raising my hand). Being labeled infertile sounds like an end all- and it's not.
There are many emotions that make their presence known when baby making isn't going the way we hoped (and most likely, the way that we planned). According to Valerie Hart:
Oftentimes, these emotions only see the inside walls of our homes. But if we look at those numbers above, we can see that we are not alone. Fortunately, our culture is slowly changing when it comes to bringing common + hard struggles to light. It is through sharing and connection-making that we can be changed...and in turn, a way for us to be a support to others on their difficult journey, too.
One of the things that left an impression on me during my own struggles was being able to name and live into the ways in which I was "fertile." Women, by nature, are life givers. We grow and we create, and that can never be taken from us. In what ways do you currently bring forth life and create? Can you nurture a garden, birth a new business, grow into a skill, or create beauty around you? These efforts will bring meaning to your current life, and when the difficult road is through, memories that will remind you how fruitful you are.
on fertility challenges
Vincent Van Gogh
For my part, I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars, makes me dream
"Infertility touches all aspects of a person's life. It affects how individuals feel about themselves, their relationships, and their life perspective. Stress is only one of a myriad of emotional realities that couples facing infertility deal with, often for extended periods of time. In addition to ongoing stress, infertility creates issues of guilt, anxiety, tension within the relationship, and feelings of depression and isolation".
We are said to "be expecting" because there is a natural sequence of events that typically play out that conclude with the welcoming of a new human, but sometimes, those expectations fail us. When this happens, it is helpful to acknowledge that there are many expectations to grieve; the expectation of new motherhood, or perhaps, the expectation of a sibling for your other child(ren), the expectation of who this child will look like, the expectation of celebrating milestones with this child, the expectation of growing old as this child's parent, and even the expectation/excitement of looking like a pregnant woman. Unmet expectations are hard because they force us out of the comfort and into the unknown.
Perhaps, it could be helpful at this time to set some new expectations? Below are some to think about:
- I'm expecting self-love. This is an opportunity to treat myself with gentleness and listen to my body.
- I'm expecting respect- from myself, my partner, my family, and my co-workers
- I'm expecting rest. No explanation needed.
- I'm expecting healing. It may take a while, and it will most definitely be on it's own timeline, but it will come.
When I was walking my own journey of loss I wanted others to tell me that the pain would lessen. I wanted to hear that the confusion would clear and that this way of life would not always be mine. With hesitation (because I don't know your story), but also with so much love, I want to tell you that, in time, the heartache mingles into life with a less forceful presence- and joy and peace find a place to take root. And my advice? Water it. Those baby roots deserve to be nurtured so that your story can continue to bring forth beauty.
It goes like this...we see those lines and the expectation clock begins.
Without a period of dormancy, a tulip will never bloom. It is only after darkness and cold that we are able to witness their beauty.
on loss
Life comes back together
Although arranged quite differently.
It is stronger. It is firm even though held
With moments of sad loneliness
And knowing emptiness.
Yet able to continue. Able to continue living.
Able to know the memories of death,
To know the memories of broken hope.
To be able to say:
"I have felt such bitter pain
I have cried tears that would not stop.
I have wanted to stop living
Only to stop the hurting."
Somehow the miracle of life
Still exists within death.
And I still continue to live
Perhaps to believe in love...
As I am able to say:
"My baby has died."
Excerpt from Gael G. Jarrett's poem, "The baby has died"
"Think Katie's work is just for women? Think again. I'm a man (obviously), and my business tripled, too!"
Made six figures:
Joshua
help Nationally
help Nationally
help in WNY
help in WNY
Bereavement Resources
Fertility Challenges Resources
We do not currently have offerings for loss or fertility challenges, but we would love to hear input on what services might be helpful for you and our community.
Please contact us when you feel ready.